


She’s Not Afraid

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 07:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13699383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Fenris wasn’t the only one who was scared that night.





	She’s Not Afraid

Marian was relieved when he left.

Not to say she wasn't heartbroken, no, she was devastated watching him walk out that door. She was also beyond embarrassed that he had just left her in her underclothes, pleading halfheartedly for him to stay.

But underneath all of that, she felt like the pressure had been taken off her.

It all had been too fast. She understood it would be that way from the moment they kissed.

She didn't realize how intense it would be, however. As soon as he entered her she was overcome with a ground-shaking realization.

_I love him._

How his skin felt against hers, his hair beneath her fingertips, their lips touching, his entire being consuming.

It was entirely too much.

After that, she tried to pull away from the thought and focus only on him, and she was able to for a time.

But then it ended, and she felt sick to her stomach.

Not because of what they had done, she felt no shame for that. It was easily one of the greatest nights of her life.

No, she was sick because of what she felt.

Marian felt sick because when she loved people, they got hurt.

Her sister was dead because of her, her brother dead because she couldn't reach him in time, father died of sickness, mother was distant, and Gamlen was his own trainwreck.

If he hadn't pulled away, she would have.

As she laid in her still-warm bed, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes, she told herself it was better this way.

She had no business loving him, she'd just bring him pain.

Like she always did.

* * *

Their gang didn't notice the change for a long time.

Hawke was her usual wild self, and Fenris was still brooding(if not a little bit more).

The only difference from before that night was Fenris now wore Hawke's red ribbon around his wrist and her family crest on his belt.

Varric was the first to comment on it, mentioning it offhandedly to Hawke one day when they were at the Hanged Man.

She just shrugged and gave him a tight smile, joking, "Maybe he's just obsessed with me."

He knew she was being evasive, but he didn't pressure her about it. He didn't think it to be anything too big.

Because how was he supposed to know that his best friend, the person who wasn't scared of anything, was terrified of being in love?

* * *

Isabela pointed it out next.

She made some sort of kinky joke, Hawke wasn't really paying attention.

Fenris pretty much snarled at the pirate, threatening her if she were to bring it up again.

Hawke refused to look at him, not wanting to see the rejection in his eyes again.

So, she played along, wanting to keep up appearances as her normal, non-serious self.

She didn't want the others to know what had happened. They didn't need to know their leader was too much of a coward to chase after the man she loved.

They didn't need to know the thought of being in love made her break out in a cold sweat and caused her heart to beat way too fast.

What Isabela didn't comment on was the look on Fenris' face as he gazed at Hawke. She knew what that face meant.

Isabela didn't mess with a man in love.

* * *

Soon, all of them knew.

It was quiet, they didn't talk about it much. They could tell it was a touchy subject for them.

The only one bold enough to bring it up was Anders.

"I can't imagine what Hawke sees in you."

She frowned deeply, but bowed her head so the others couldn't see.

Of course Anders wouldn't be able to see it. He was so blinded by hate for Fenris that he couldn't even concede that he had admiral traits.

He couldn't see how resilient this man was. How he had survived so much, and somehow still had a will to live. He couldn't see the strength he held, even if he had been hardened by what he'd experienced in his life. He didn't hate without reason, his intentions were noble even if they disagreed on some subjects. He was a good man through and through.

But Anders would never be able to see that, he was too jealous to.

"It is done. Leave it be," Fenris growled, not wanting it rubbed in his face.

It was hard enough for him when Hawke was around, he was still very much aware of his affections towards her. Whenever she smiled, he remembered how it made him feel when she grinned into their first kiss. Her dark hair would blow in the wind, and he'd catch her sweet scent. She'd dance away from an enemy's blow and he'd be reminded of how graceful she was.

It was hard to miss a person who was not gone.

"Well, good. I always knew she had some sense," Anders spoke smugly.

Hawke wanted to whip around and yell, telling him he needed to keep his mouth shut, but she took a breath and reminded herself that this was her friend.

He didn't know the truth, how could he?

He didn't know Hawke wanted him to leave almost as much as Fenris wanted to go.

And now they both regretted it.

"Do not make light of this. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done."

Hawke paused at that, stopped walking as she felt her heart thump uncomfortably in her chest.

She had known it was hard on her, even though she didn't want him to stay.

Marian couldn't imagine how it had felt for him.

"Hawke?" she heard Merrill ask, noticing the sudden downcast look on her face.

She fell back into her easygoing persona easily, laughing it off. "I realize I'm irresistible, but, please, stop fighting over me," she joked.

Hawke then made an excuse, something about having dinner with her mother, before running off.

None of them saw her face fall when she walked away.

* * *

Then, Leandra died.

She walked home that night numb. There was nothing left to feel, no one left for her to love.

They were all just... gone.

She looked down at her hands as they shook.

Marian felt so tainted, so vulnerable and broken.

These things weren't felt in full, however. It seemed like she was watching from behind a glass wall, screaming and not being able to hear it.

No one could.

She closed her eyes and thanked the Maker that Fenris had left that night, or he might be dead too.

Her friends stopped by throughout the day, making sure she was taking care of herself. They didn't know what to do. She had never been this way before.

The Hawke who was constantly cracking jokes was missing. Now she was just numb, a shell of who she was.

Their immortal, fearless leader wasn't so strong anymore.

She wanted to die.

Fenris stopped by when it was getting to the worst of it.

He found her sitting on her bed, hands folded neatly and glassy eyes focused on the fire.

The house was too quiet.

"I don't know what to say, but I am here," he spoke, not bothering with any sort of announcement.

She froze at his voice, a scream getting stuck in her throat.

Marian needed him to leave, he wasn't safe with her.

No one was.

"Am I to blame for not saving her?" she blurted out, heart heavy.

"I could say no, but would that help?" he asked, walking further into her room.

The scene reminded her very much of the night he left.

"You are looking for forgiveness, but I'm not the one who can give it to you," he finished as he looked down at her.

She sighed and buried her face in her hands, noting how he was both right and wrong.

Marian needed forgiveness from a lot of people, including herself, but she needed it from him too.

She was just as much part of them separating as he was.

He then took a seat next to her on the bed.

She wanted to jump up, run from him, tell him to save himself.

But, Maker, she wasn't strong enough.

They somehow ended up holding each other, Marian's grip tight while Fenris' was more timid.

She didn't care.

Tonight, she would allow herself to love him.

* * *

The battle with the Arishok wasn't long after that.

She fought with everything she had, throwing herself into every swipe of her daggers.

Fenris realized she was fighting like she wanted to die.

That hit him hard.

Every swing of her blades was swung like it was her last.

Marian was planning on dying.

He couldn't blame her, she'd lost her entire family, save for Gamlen.

Maybe she thought this was her way to be with them again.

Fenris had to be held back by the abomination and the pirate.

It was selfish of him, but he didn't want to watch her die. He didn't want to watch her submit.

Marian didn't deserve to die this way after everything she'd been through.

He couldn't live with himself if she died.

"Hawke!" he yelled.

She looked over at him, and something sparked there.

And then she started to fight with an intensity that wasn't there before.

Marian was doing pretty good, too.

That was, until the qunari ran her through with his sword.

And, of course, that was when he realized he loved her.

She started coughing blood, and Fenris could only watch in horror as she was speared through.

But Marian was a fighter.

Even all bloody and battered, she smirked. Using the very last of her strength, she crossed her blades at his throat. In one quick motion, she had slit his throat.

He dropped her, and she fell to the ground with a hard thud.

As the Arishok died, the only audible thing was Marian's laughter.

And damn, if it wasn't music to Fenris' ears.

She truly was fearless.

* * *

Three years later, she was healed and had a pretty nasty scar on her stomach, but it didn't bring her down. It just gave her something new to joke about.

The Arishok battle was traumatic for everyone, and none of them liked to remember it, but they did appreciate it for one thing.

That was the night Hawke started to come back to them.

She was more herself after she nearly died. Her jokes came easier, the strain in her smile disappeared, she didn't walk like the world sat on her shoulders.

Marian still carried her grief with her, of course she did. She would never recover, but that didn't mean she had to lose who she was.

Whenever anyone asked about her sudden shift in behavior, she'd simply say, "I have stared into the eyes of death itself, and it blinked. Nothing scares me anymore."

Then they killed that monster Danarius, and Hawke felt like she was walking on air.

She was so glad that she could finally help Fenris take down that horrible man, she'd been wanting his head on a pike nearly as much as he did.

Marian went over to Fenris' house to celebrate, happy that they could finally stand to be around each other again.

She walked passed Isabela on her way out and she quirked an eyebrow, not being able to help the flash of jealousy that ran through her.

Isabela was her friend, but she was also a very beautiful woman. She couldn't blame Fenris if he had chosen her to warm his bed, but she wished the idea didn't hurt so much.

"She doesn't understand," Fenris said thoughtfully as Hawke turned her attention to him.

Marian couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful he was to her, even after all these years.

Big green eyes, snowy-white hair, full lips.

Oh, she still loved him so much it hurt.

Hawke took a seat, observing him silently.

"Yes, I am free. Danarius is dead. Yet... it doesn't feel like it should." He sounded annoyed and frustrated.

She frowned, curious to why he wasn't in a better mood. They had just taken down his biggest enemy, after all.

"Seems like you should be dancing for joy," she commented.

He regarded her with a frown on his face, "I would have thought so."

She thought he was far too handsome to have such an unhappy expression on his features.

"I thought if I didn't need to run and fight to stay alive, I would finally be able to live as a free man does."

Marian frowned deeply at that.

Didn't Fenris know he had been free this entire time? She wouldn't allow anything else.

"But how is that? My sister is gone, and I have nothing- not even an enemy."

Her heart shattered all over again.

"You have me, Fenris," she said before she could think about it.

He looked at her in surprise, before shaking it off as he continued.

"It's just... difficult to overlook the stain magic has left on my life. If I seem bitter, it is not without cause."

Hawke looked down for a moment, wanting to hide. While she wasn't magic herself, her father was and so was her sister. She had it in her blood whether she liked it or not.

Of course Fenris wouldn't want her.

"Perhaps it is time to move forward. I just don't know where that leads. Do you?" he asked her, and she snapped her eyes up to meet his quickly.

She swallowed thickly, heart beating way too fast as she answered, "Wherever it leads, I hope it means we'll stay together."

Marian Hawke was done running.

He smiled as he looked at her. "That is my hope as well."

Fenris was done running, too.

He looked away quickly, seeming to make up his mind as he started talking. "We have never discussed what happened between us three years ago," he said simply.

Marian shrugged, trying to seem cool on the outside when she was freaking out on the inside. "You didn't want to talk about it."

_I didn't either._

"I felt like a fool. I thought it was better if you hated me- I deserved no less," Fenris launched right into it.

Hawke vehemently shook her head, opposing the idea strongly.

She may have tried to deny her feelings, but she never hated him.

She never could.

"But it isn't better. That night... I remember your touch as if it were yesterday." He stood up in front of her.

Marian froze.

With his intense gaze trained on her, he continued, "I should have asked for your forgiveness long ago. I hope you can forgive me now."

This was everything she ever wanted and feared for, all wrapped in one.

It was terrifying yet exhilarating.

"I need to understand why you left, Fenris," she responded with surprising calmness even though she was bursting on the inside.

But she needed to know. She knew why she pushed him away, but she wanted to hear his reasons.

"I've thought about the answer a thousand times. The pain, the memories it brought up... it was too much. I was a coward."

She wanted so much to lean up and swipe away those lines of worry across his face.

"If I could go back, I would stay. Tell you how I felt," he finished, eyes trained on the wall as if he was embarrassed to be saying all this.

She thought it was so sweet considering he wasn't the type to talk about his feelings like this.

The question left her mouth before she could think better of it, "What would you have said?"

He returned his gaze to her, and it struck her through like the Arishok's sword had.

This was perhaps one of the most intense moments of her life.

And she wasn't running.

"Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you."

Marian was breathless, clutching the couch cushion beneath her as if to ground herself.

She couldn't believe that this was happening.

"I understand. I always understood," she told the truth, feeling so much lighter for it.

He took a step closer, causing his hair to move and the light to dance off it in a gorgeous way.

_Maker, this man is beautiful._

"If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side," Fenris spoke lowly, crouching down to meet her eye-level.

She couldn't hold back a grin, anymore. She was so full of joy.

Marian stood up and he embraced her, catching her in an extremely passionate kiss that left her weak in the knees.

After this, there would be no running.

* * *

"I may not get the chance to say this again. Meeting you was the most important thing that ever happened to me, Hawke," he said as the city burned around them in smoke.

She glanced up at him, tears trailing down her face as she tried to defend a city she could not save.

He cupped her cheek, looking her deeply in the eyes, shutting out the ruin around them.

"Promise me you won't die. I can't bear the thought of living without you."

She grabbed his hand, holding onto him as if he were a lifeline. "I don't make that promise unless you do," she whispered, being tender in a rare moment.

There were no jokes, there was no wit. There was just ashes and honesty.

"Nothing is going to keep me from you," he promised before pulling her into a ravenous, world consuming kiss.

And despite it all, Marian wasn't running.

She wasn't afraid anymore.

 

 

 

 


End file.
